Friday, 31 March 2017

Tunnel Vision (2013)

Cristos. Is. A potato.


Do. Not. Watch. This. Film.

According to IMDB:

When a jury fails to convict the serial killer who savagely murdered his family, one man must rise above his desire for revenge and descend into the deranged world of a sadistic predator to uncover the truth and finally get justice. What begins as a classic revenge tale takes a dramatic turn into a haunting land of horror and murder.

Cristos (yes, just Cristos) plays the lead in Cristos vehicle, Tunnel Vision. Written and produced by Cristos, Cristos is Gabriel, a man/potato who rides a motorcycle...a lot...a man/potato who jogs feebly after serial killers...a man/potato with all the charisma of a bag of pickled onion flavored chips.

This film is so laughably bad, I'm trying to entertain myself while writing this.


Artist's Depiction of Cristos

Okay, so basically Gabriel is a bike mechanic (I think. It's not really made clear). While working one night, and riding the oh so long ride home, his house is broken into, his wife and kid murdered, and when he finally arrives, he's boshed over the head with a rusty pipe. Or something. I don't know, the cinematography didn't exist.

Later, after much moping - you know, dead family and stuff - he thinks he sees the killer in the local DIY store (!) and takes chase! It's stunningly uninteresting. Want to re-create it? Roll a potato down a wide alley.

Gabriel completely fucks up the court case, gives shoddy evidence and the guy is unsurprisingly let go.

What follows is 45 minutes of boring melodrama that doesn't go anywhere. Culminating in Cristos and the only police officer who believes him (played by Ion Overman - the best actor in the film by far), tracking down the killer - from the DIY store - and laying down justice. It sounds better than it is.

The problem is that the film doesn't know what it wants to be. The trailer, below, is cut together like a horror movie. It isn't. It has, in fact, every scene in it that isn't talking. The poster looks like an action film. Potato in an alley. I'm not even sure why it was called Tunnel Vision.

With no budget, and sadly little skill on show, the film comes off as little more than a student film.

Check out the trailer for some sweet, sweet, Cristos on a bike action.





2 comments:

  1. So this is the perfect unintentionally hilarious movie for a dull weekend, when Cabin Boy is unavailable?

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    Replies
    1. I wouldn't go for this if you're looking for so-bad-it's-good. Really, one to avoid.

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